When it comes to the top villains and antagonists in movies, everyone always goes for the cliched popular bad guys: Vadar, Voldemort, Terminator Keyser Soze etc. But what about those unsuspecting and overlooked ones? Some of the most terrible, ruthless and deadly bad asses on the silver screen have been overlooked time and time again. Here’s a list of some REAL villains who don’t get the proper street cred they deserve.
11. EDWARD SCISSORHANDS’ SCISSOR HANDS (EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS…DUHH)
What kind of deranged twisted psycho puts shears and scissors on a persons hands? My guess is the man who did this had some kind of terrible falling out after being fired from First Choice Hair Cutters. One can only imagine the horrors poor Edward has to go through after eating Taco Bell and feeling that all to familiar rumble in his nether regions.
10. FED EX (CAST AWAY)
Ted Bundy murdered people, Jeffery Dahmer was a cannible, and FedEx makes its employees work on Christmas eve. You can see the clear evil destructive parallels there can’t you?
9. COLOURS (PLEASANTVILLE)
What’s colour’s problem? Why did it have to rear its ugly rainbow spectrum in these peoples lives? Here we had a utopian society where women clearly understood that their place is in the kitchen and all decisions other than “should I serve Cherry or Apple Pie for dessert” should be left up to the men.
But what happens? Colour show up in town and all hell breaks loose. Highschool girls transform into uber-sluts overnight fucking anything and everything with a hard rosey pink hue. Housewives replace hot steamy meals with hot steamy affairs.
8. BEE SWARMS (MY GIRL)
Bees suck. They’re useless. End of story.
7. INERTIA (SPEED)
All the bus wanted to do was stay above 50 so that it could keep its scared, fearful passengers alive. An object in motion that wants to stay in motionbut inertia and that apple eating bastard Newton and his laws of motion had other plans. Luckily Keanu and his monotone bravado showed up to spoil inertias plans.
6. 500 FOOT LONG SHIT FILLED SEWERS (THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION)
If your anything like me you’ve had to fumble through your fair share of shit infested sewers and toilet bowels. Why I continue to do lines of blow with my iPhone teetering on the edge of the toilet seat are beyond me? But being elbow deep in a restroom toilet at some sleezy bar and crawling through a pipe filled with shit and god knows what else for 500 feet is a different story.
5. GOATS, AND THE PATHS THEY CREATE (300)
It wasn’t the immortals. It wasn’t the rest of the mighty persian army. And it sure as shit wasn’t king Xerxes who defeated Leonidas and his 300 spartans. It was goats. Goats are smelly, ugly evil animals probably created from satans excrement. If these shit spawns hadn’t been given the four evil hoofs they use to walk God’s fine earth then they wouldn’t have created a fricken path that allowed the persian army to defeat the Spartans.
4. RADIO’S MISSING CHROMOSOME (RADIO)
One chromosome away from being a normal human being. That’s a kick to the balls if I’ve ever seen one. 46 just isn’t radios lucky number.
3. THE HOTDOG THAT CHOKED THE LITTLE GIRL IN FIELD OF DREAMS
Hot dogs are a clever and sneaky creation. They could have just been like any other regular food, lima beans or squid. But H-dogs were smart. They made sure they were associated with a popular american past time – Baseball. I wonder how many innocent lives have been taken during a moment of exhiirating excitment as a fan cheers for their favorite team, only to asphyxiate in a mustard, ketchup and relish enduced death.
2. AIDS (PHILADELPHIA)
Its only a matter of time before AIDS is like the common day cold and can be cured with over the counter medicine. People will call in sick and tell their boss, “yeah sorry I can’t make it in today, got a bad case of AIDS from that glory hole last night. Gonna sleep it off and take some meds. See you on Wed.” Unfortunately for Andrew Beckett that wasn’t the case.
1. THE ICEBERG FROM TITANIC
If you were like me, you wouldn’t have even bothered watching this piece of shit movie. But if you did, I bet you undoubtibly thought that Billy Zane was the antagonist. If you did, you should have listened to Hansel in Zoolander, “Billy Zane is a cool dude.” It wasn’t Zane but the iceberg who was the villain in Titanic.
Stumble it!
These Go to Eleven 
November 20th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
This is fantastic. Very creative.
March 31st, 2010 at 11:37 pm
Edward Scissorhands wasn’t a villain. His creator made him in stages and died before he could complete him. When he died, he was presenting Edward’s hands to him as an early Christmas present. He then collapsed and died in front of Edward, leaning towards him as he descended and the hands were accidentally impaled and sliced by Edward’s scissorhands.
October 29th, 2010 at 8:59 am
Ryan I think perhaps you misunderstood. The implication is that Edwards creator was a villain, not Edward himself. Sure he didn’t have hands to give Edward yet, but scissors? Really? Who in their right mind would consider scissors a viable (even if temporary) alternative? Why not something a bit blunter. Like spoons. That is all.