Everyone has their own personal quirks and freaky fetishes when it comes to getting down and dirty in the sac. Rim jobs, scratching, cupping the balls etc. But there are somethings that just have no business being done in the boudoir. Here are 11 common characteristics of bedfellows that repel an orgasm like oil to water.
11. The not without my cell phone girl
If you’ve ever tried to fab one off to the Paris Hilton’s sex tape then you know what I’m talking about. What kind of twat stops having sex to answer a phone? There’s only one excuse for having a cell phone in the bedroom and that is if you want to Mcgiver that bad boy into a makeshift vibrator. Nothing sinks an erect penis faster than hearing Barbi Girl by Aqua as some girls ringtone while your on top pumping away totally unaware of her boredom.
10. Miss Au Naturel
It could be just me but I find it astounding that in this day and age every women doesn’t get electrolysis on everything below the nose, or at the very least wax. Body hair is like wearing a coat made from baby seals: Yeah it’ll probably keep parts of you warm and hidden but it looks disgusting and will piss off a lot of people. Get your shit in order girls this ain’t 1960. You could be drop dead gorgeous and if a guy is slowly going down your body, kissing and caressing his way to the most holy of holies, and he reaches your belly button only to be greeted by a stubbly undergrowth treasure trail, you might as well kick him in the sack because that boner is gone. If there is a hair situation above the belt then God only knows what kind of wilderness he’ll have to adventure his soldier through to reach those mystical meat curtains.
9. The fainting goat
If you’ve ever slept with someone who just laid there and did nothing, said nothing and looked like a deer caught in headlights through the entire act of sex, then you’ve slept with a fainting goat. These type’s are named after a domestic breed of goat whose muscles freeze and tense up for extended periods of time when they’re startled. With the exception of necrophiliacs, a fainting goat is a lot like a dead corpse and always kills the mood.
8. I can haz some privacy please?
Cat’s are selfish, arrogant, annoying little creatures. So naturally if your in bed laying pipe to their master they will do everything in their power to try and fuck with your head and get her attention away from you. And while girls may not find any problem with little Tigger or Snickers or whatever the hell girls name their fur balls these days, crawling up onto the bed while you’re having sex…the guy who’s on top of you probably does. Any guy who allows an animal to be anywhere near the bed while having sex, girls you should just automatically assume he has some kind of three-way beastiality notion going on and get the fuck out of there ASAP.
7. The Two-pump-chump
Nothing ruins the mood like having a guy bust a nut before you’ve barely gotten into the mood. With the exception of being a virgin, there’s just no excuse for poor form. Every guy should know all the ways to extend premature ejaculation. Didn’t you watch Doc. Sue Johannson growing up? Flog the dolphin, choke the chicken or beat your dick like it owes you money before heading on a date or into the sac. There are pills, drugs, alcohol (whiskey dick is always good for numbing your sensitive member) Pump your breaks if you feel close, use a dome, or get on the bottom.
6. Miss four hour foreplay
This is the type of girl who insists on extending foreplay well beyond the 5 min any man should spend doing it. By the time this girl is actually ready for sex, your tongue feels like it’s been shot with novocaine, your erection has long since receded and you wish you would have just stayed home and masturbated.
5. DJ Slow Jams
I’m all for setting the mood, couple candles, pictures of myself flexing all over the bedroom, you know shit like that. But guys who spend time creating romantic playlists filled with sappy cockrock and emo bands are total mood killers. Every one of my friends who are girls have told me they’ve at one point or another had sex with some asshole who’s reached for the Dave Matthews playlist while they were in bed. Nothing makes a girl nostalgic for gr. 9 dances like “Bed of roses”, anything by K.C. and Joe Joe or “Wicked Game” by Chris Isaac. Cockrock playlists are a lot like anal: She’s either really into it or she fucking hates it and will loose all respect for you. And nothing will dry up a vag faster than a chick who thinks you’re a pussy by trying to seduce her with love ballads.
4. It was a rhetorical question jack ass
The purpose of dirty talk is to create fantasy and for the most part it’s intended to be rhetorical and one way communication. You get the odd, “Oh you like it like that don’t you?” and she may moan back “oh, yeah baby”. But dirty talk can be like playing board games with your friends: it’s all fun and games until some douche bag takes it too seriously. If a girl utters “How do you get me so horny?” you probably don’t need to reply with, “I don’t know, I’ve been practicing a lot on your best friend.”
3. The over attentive waiter
Paying attention to your partners needs and enjoyment is great. But asking overly annoying questions and checking for updates faster than the CNN ticker gets to be a bit much. “How’s that? Does that feel good? Do you want to do it the other way? Am I pulling too hard? Is that enough pressure? Is it in?”
2. The guy who learned everything from porn
As much as every guy would like to believe that what we see in porn is exactly what goes on in real life, its sadly just not true. With the exception of swamp-donkeys, hookers and drunk college freshmen girls (which I know all sound like the same thing) the majority of stuff done to, or by girls in porn will never happen in your bedroom. But low and behold there are those men who when they sleep with a women, try to reenact Bang Bros 14 or Amature Creampies vol. 6. These guys refuses to know that: no, not every girl will go for anal, most girls actually find it offensive if you cum in their face, and when it comes to threesomes and DP’s, you might as well forget about. You will never see a mood killed so fast as asking the common women if she’ll deepthroat 8 inches and let you skull fuck her.
1. Mr. Vagina vision
Vagina vision is a lot like tunnel vision. The blinders are on and this guy sees one thing and one thing only. Vagina. How and what is the fastest way for my to get my penis in, up and around that thing and skeet skeet skeet all over her? Foreplay… never herd of it? Guys always remember, vaginas are like a growing flower: When it finally starts to show and open up it’s beautiful, but it only happens after a little work and the right amount of moisture.