Top eleven – People you’ll meet at the Gym

11. The Socialite

These are the people who go to the gym to work their mouth more than their body. They buy the latest and greatest in spandex, middrift baring, under armor and Lululemon outfits that are sure to never see a drop of sweat. The girls who fall under this category are the same girls who in high school and college used to get dressed to the 9’s for an 8 a.m. class, while the rest of the blood-shot eyed, hung over students attended in either pajamas, comfy clothes or the same cigarette smoke, vomit soiled clothes they were wearing from the previous nights shit-show. Now graduated from school and having nowhere for people to observe them on a daily basis, these socialites have simply substituted the cafeteria for the gym.

10. Mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the buffest of them all.

Gym’s filled with mirrors and narcissists go together like lamb and tuna fish. Or spaghetti and meat balls…if your more comfortable with that analogy. These characters go to the gym to get there swell on and admire how amazing they are with every second spent there. Not afraid to have a flex off with themself in the mirror in plain view of everyone else, completely unaware of how big of a pansy they look like, the narcissist will take any chance he can get to get a glance of himself in the mirror. Every excersice must be done infront of a mirror. If gym’s ever started popping up with no mirrors, these people would probably spontaneously combust from frustration. These are the same people who while walking down the street will look at themselves in reflections of anything from windows, to water, to spoons, to turned off television sets.

9. The home away from homer.

These are the people who eat, sleep, breath, the gym. They get up, eat, go to the gym at 6 am. Go to work. Then come back to the gym again. Go home have dinner, go to bed. Lather, rinse, repeat. All they know of the outside world is what they see through the gym window and watch on tv’s while doing their 4th hr of cardio that day. Their vocabularies are entirely comprised of gym, health, excercise and powerbar/protein shake vernacular. Asking them what they think about the crisis in Darfur would surley result in some response about, “how there is a lack of physical fitness, and whey protein in the country”.

8. Juice pigs a.k.a I take steroid like tic tacs

Every gym has them. This wouldn’t be a list withouth them. Go to any gym, in any city, in any country, and you are sure to find “that guy”. The guy with no neck, bad “bacne” (acne on the back due to repeated use of steroids), and a refusal to wear anything resembling normal workout attire. There must be some unknown side-effect from steroid use that tricks the users mind into believing that spaghetti strap muscle tee’s, thick wool socks, and striped spandex; revealing there shrunked package, are the best thing to wear while working out. But I’m no genetiscist, so what do I know. Should you ever loose sight of these hulking bahemouths, just follow the, “UHHHHHHHHGGSSS”, and “AUUHHHHHHSSSS” they are sure to be grunting out while getting there pump on.

7. Old Spice

I have never been in the woman’s change room, only peered in through a ventilation shaft. But one can only assume women go through the same thing. Guys, you know who I’m talking about. Old Spice is the old fart in the dressing room who loves to walk around letting everyone know just how old and gray his bush is. Wrinkly, saggy, skin hanging off their brittle bones, these old timers have no intention of covering up. Be it, getting changed, blow drying what little hair is left on their heads, taking a piss, or just sitting around chatting with other old people about…whatever it is old people talk about; golf, arthritic ointments, or playing bridge… who the fuck knows? These guys do it with a naked freedom only stoned out hippies can appreciate.

6. Too much…Too soon

This could go either way. It could refer to the noodle armed guy who thinks he’s a power-lifter on his 3rd visit, and tries to lift the entire squat rack. Or it could be the girl who thinks she is far more attractive and skinny than she really is. Wearing tight, mid-drift revealing clothes, that allow her muffin tops and stretch marks to flop out all over the place. The only thing this girl needs more than to drop 40 lbs is some real friends who aren’t going to sugar coat her proclivity to throw down a Combo #3 from Dirty-Ronnies (McDonalds) 3 nights a week and still tell her she’s in awesome shape, and “yes, you absolutely look hot in that tight spanex”.

5. Mr. NOT so Clean

This is the guy (or girl…but god I hope not) who walks around the change room barefoot. He takes a shit barefoot, he stands at the urinal barefoot, clearly standing in a giant puddle of dribble from previous people shaking it off. This guy has not a care in the world. Apparently his feet are imprevious to disease and germs and has no worry of contracting any “itis” of the fungal category.


This is the girl who despite dressing in the womens change room and peeing sitting down, just has to be a man. Or at the very least would love to have a pair of balls, instead of a va jay jay. Not as common as a juice pig is in gyms, these girls frequent the gime on a constant basis in certain areas and for a warm-up can bench more than most normal men.

3. The “I’m not a leg guy” guy

These are the guys that are built like an upside down triangle. Their routine consists of doing “curls for girls”, “chest-fest”, and “shruggin it out like there is no tomorrow”, in every variation you can imagine. The closest thing these guys have done to a squat is sitting down on the crapper to drop a mud-monkey.

2. The “I have no idea how to work out but think I do” guy

Working at a gime, I see these morons all the time and how they haven’t herniated a disk in there back or pulled some major muscle is a miricle of modern physiology? These are the guys who when doing seated rows or lat pull downs, use their entire upper body momentum to complete a rep. They try to do the entire stack and if they were using perfect form and lifting correctly wouldn’t have a chance in hell of doing it. Resembling a fucking human metronom, they have come to the conclusion that this is the correct way to lift. Similarily when doing any type of curl, form is the last thing on this guys mind. He is bent (no pun intended) and determined to contort and heave-ho his way to completing that rep. Ask any one of these meat sauces to try and complete the same rep with the same weight using perfect form, and I’ll bet my balls they can’t do it.

1. Douche bags.

These guys seem to be showing up a lot on this site. 😛

No gym is complete without these guys, and although many of the above mentioned could fall under the category of genus-von-douche-bagus, these guys are often a unique combination. When it comes to douche bags at the gym, they tend to follow the buddy system. Rarely seen alone, douche bags will congregate with other douche bags and some how find there way to a gym. Grunting, talking on their phones, having 3 people spot one guys set and generally walking around like they own the place are common characteristics. They “eye-fuck” every piece of ass that walks past them and will spend copious amounts of time sitting around doing nothing but taking up space and telling each other how much that chick on the stair master wants to “fucking grind my balls off.”


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