Some say douche bags are born.
Others believe you become a douche bag over a period of time (involving many applications of fake tan and hair gel.)
And yet some have douch-baggery thrust upon them.
Here are some warning signs you might want to keep an eye out, less you should fall under this malicious category.
Douche bag or Genus Von Douch bagus can best be defined as:
Someone who has surpassed the levels of jerk and asshole, however not yet reached fucker or motherfucker. Not to be confuzed with douche.
11. Axe body sprays
This product is a clear sign of a d-bag. A disgusting scent that can alert the senses from miles away that there is definately a douche bag in, up, or around your current location. Similar to the Italian shower (spraying yourself uncontrolably in an attempt to hide your grose ass musk) douche bags will spritz themselves vigorously in the belief that women will be unable to resist their douchey mochizmo. Contrary to popular marketing, this product does not attract women. In fact it reppels them like the stinnky kid who smelled like piss in your kindergarden class.
10. Umpa Lumpa syndrome a.k.a the fake tan
Real men get natural tans, they don’t fake ‘n’ bake or use lotions promising a beautiful bronze complection. If you live in Canada then come to the realization that you are only going to be tanned from June to September. And pasty white the remaining months of the year. Why douche bags continue to go out in public with skin like this is a mystery, but it’s a clear beacon of douchery.
9. Popped collars
A single popped collar is one of the most blatent sings of a douche bag. Guys who wear popped collars usually shop at A&F and somehow got the impression that, “yeah, this is cool. I look fucking super sweet.” Nothing could be farther from the truth. The only thing worse then a d-bag with a popped collar is the elusive Double popped collar. Guys who wear shirts like this are clearly saying “I am a giant, intense, steaming ball of douch-baggery.” In a perfect world douchiness of this level would create a black hole and engulf the source, never to be seen by humanity again.
8. Puka shell necklaces
There is only one case where wearing one of these would even remotely be considered not a douche bag move. And that is if you are actually on vacation in a warm, tropical country, laying on the beach and getting absolutely plastered all day. Even then I would resist the urg to wear it. But if you must, I would highly recommend taking it off before your voyage back to the real world. But as we all know, there are those chosen few, who believe these neckalces are still cool. Nothing could be farther from the truth. They are a gleaming white siren of alarm to anyone within eyesight that you are in fact a huge douche bag. Real men have a home made necklace with all the torn off ears of their slayed enemies hanging from them.
7. Calvin pissing on anything
Many a douche bag sticker like the above has been plastered onto the back of an otherwise totally acceptable Jeep – instantly transforming a respectably, cool machine, into “a douche mobile”. You might as well be driving a low riding Honda Civic with ground effects and one of those noisy pop can things on your exhaust. Shame on any man who soils any rugged masculine machine with a clear artistic logo for douche bags.
6. Barbed wire tattoos.
Maybe there was a time when a barbed wire tattoo really meant something; a golden era of manliness where getting one was an initiation into a tough-guy society and everyone sat around talking about chest hair, motor oil, and mixed martial arts. Sadly, if there ever was a time like that, it’s long passed, and now a barbed wire tattoo is nothing more than a razor sharp reminder to the rest of the world that you are a douche bag. If you are unfortunate enough to have one and are now just realizing how much of a d-bag your are. Just go ahead and chop your arm off. just like a bandaid. RIGHT OFF!
5. FBI T-shirts
These shirts and others like it with extremely douchey slogans – One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor, or anything with “the shocker on it” – are acronyms for guys who are vaguely aware of what an acronym is. They are clear indentifiers of douche bags and should all be looked at as a giant Hello My name is: Von Douche bag stickers.
4. Sunglasses at night
There are two people in this world who wear sunglasses at night or in a club. Blind people, and you guessed it. Corey fucking HEART! Don’t do it. Don’t think about doing it. Don’t pretend like you got 2pm, and 2am mixed up. If you think I’m wrong and you can pull it off be my guest. But be prepared to have the inevitable line snickered under everyones breath all night line, “pretty sunny in here eh, douche bag!”
3. The growing up Gotti haircut
Having enough product in your hair to turn it into a spikey, rock hard, glob of shit that looks like you spent 15 min in front of a high powered leaf blower before you went out that night, is a most impressive and all mighty sign that your douche-baggery is oozing out at an alarming rate. But I guess it cold be worse. You could have one of those “scene kids” Emo haircuts, that hang over their one eye and make them look like total f*cktards. “ohh look at me I’m so EMO and different. I’m so Emo my grass cuts itself!”
But I digress.
2. Jagga-BOMBS!!! Fucking JAGGA-BOMBS! / Hot girls.
Number 2 is a tie between…
Girls. Please, please, please, for the love of god. Stop fucking these guys. Why good looking women continue to flock to egotistical, self delusional ass clowns like douche bags, is a mystery that to this day can not be explained? The more beautiful women continue to flock to them, the harder it is for them to realize they are douche bags.
Having bartended for a number of years I have with out a doubt, imperical evidence that only douche bags order Jagger-bombs. It is an unoriginal, shitty excuse for a shot and the only thing worse than ording a round of Jagger-Bombs and slamming them down on the bar in an act to impress everyone around you at how bad-ass you are, is ordering Hypnotic. Anything with Hypno in is just plain retarded. Drink Jack Daniels on the rocks like a real man and then go home and beat your wife.
AS AN ADDED BONUS THIS MAY BE THE GREATEST VIDEO ON DOUCH BAGS and JAGGER-BOMBS.
and now, the grand finale – cue the drum roll ……. the number one sign that you may be a douche bag is………..
1. Blue Tooth Headsets
Be it Man, Woman, or Child, or even Becks up there. None can escape the unforgivable level of douche-baggery that is associated with this device. Never has a douche bag been so easy to identify, then with this peice of modern tech hanging out of ones ear. With the exception of amputees with no arms (and even I don’t think they would want to use something this rediculous) no one should use these. Those d-bags who do, leave a pungent verbal fart trail of their self-importance in their wake.