Anyways, I’m of the opinion, much like Hollywood, that if it worked once why not remake it until people get sick of it. Which reminds me, I’ve seen a couple other ‘most anticipated’ movie posts, some by fellow bloggers, other by reputable sites, and for the most part they were fucking vomit inducing.

Lets get one thing straight, the only people anticipating Twilight: Eclipse, fall into two groups: prepubescent girls/in the closet gay boys and lonely 32-48 year old women who live alone, have few friends, suffer from Jennifer Aniston’s level of clinginess when it comes to men and lavish all their pent-up love and emotions on their cats and or birds. The former group nobody gives a shit what they think and the latter should be ashamed of themselves and seek therapy. Twilight has no place on any anticipated list.

So here are the top 11 movies you need to make some time for in 2010 and actually maybe make a trip to the theater for.

(These are in order of how awesome my anticipation for them is  – not by release date)

#11 – Date Night

Watch the trailer

(p.s. I’m Canadian and apologize on behalf of all Canada for Nickelback and them being used in the trailer. We had nothing to do with it.)

Director: Shawn Levy

Stars: Steve Carell, Tina Fey, James Franco, Mila Kunis, Mark “I fingered Reese Witherspoon on a roller coaster in ‘Fear’ Wahlberg”, Mark Ruffalo, Kristen Wig, Olivia Munn, Ray Liotta, Common and Jimmi Simpson (Its Always Sunny)

Plot: In New York City, a case of mistaken identity turns a bored married couple’s attempt at a glamorous and romantic evening into something more thrilling and dangerous.

Why I’m excited: Tina Fey is brilliant. She understands good comedy. Plain and simple. Her teamed up with Steve Carell should provide some quality chuckles and dare I say a knee slap or two. Backed by the rest of the above mentioned there is sufficient arsenal here for a good spring comedy.

Fears: Take a look at Levy’s resume and arguably his best comedy to date is Night at the Museum. (Yeesh) Yet he has more than enough shittastic rom-coms and what should have been direct to DVD movies: Cheaper by the dozen, The Pink Panther remake and Big Fat Liar.

Release Date: April 9th, 2010

#10 – Jonah Hex

Director: Jimmy Hayward

Stars: Josh Brolin, Megan Fox, John Malkovich,

Plot: Based on the awesome comic book series of the same name – In the Wild West, a scarred bounty hunter tracks a voodoo practitioner bent on liberating the South by raising an army of the undead.

Why I’m excited: You can never have enough comic book movies. Even if some of them are sub-par at best, I’d rather have too many than not enough. It all started with Batman Begins and since then the comic book genre has exploded and studios are starting to throw huge budgets behind these movies. Jonah Hex is one comic book series that should make for an awesome translation to the big screen if done well. The character is amazing and even though I can’t stand her very existence, Megan Fox plays a hooker and spends most of the time in a slutty corset, so I guess that’s good spank bank material.

Fears: Megan Fox’s ability to deliver a line without sounding like a complete fuck-tard. Jimmy Hayward??? Because when I watch Horton Hears a Who, I immediately think, this guy will understand Jonah Hex. (facepalm)

Release Date: June 18th, 2010

#9 – Clash of the Titans

Watch the trailer

Director: Louis Leterrier

Stars: Sam Worthington, Ralph Fiennes, Liam Neeson, Gemma Arterton,

Plot: The mortal son of the god Zeus embarks on a perilous journey to stop the underworld and its minions from spreading their evil to Earth as well as the heavens.

Why I’m excited: See Trailer! Louis Leterrier, the most bad ass monsters from Greek myth and scorpions the size of air craft carriers. Fuck yeah. I’m game.

Fears: Possible chance of slightly sucking like, say, ‘The Mummy’. But I have faith in Leterrier and Worthington is a wicked up and coming actor who knows how to pick stellar roles.

Release Date: April 2nd, 2010

#8 – The Expendables

Watch the trailer

Director: Sylvester Stallone

Stars: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Eric Roberts, Randy Couture, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Mickey Rourke, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzeneggers. (Jesus! Just typing those names makes me want to rip my shirt off, do some push-ups and talk about motor oil.)

Plot: A team of mercenaries head to South America on a mission to overthrow a dictator. 15 words is all you need to describe this movie. Taking it back to old school action plots that don’t make you think. Just simple bad ass soldiers taking out some bad guy. I dig it.

Why I’m excited: I think this is a no-brainer. Read the cast and try not to get a chubby for your long ago fantasy to see every major action star from the 80′s and 90′s in one movie. There’s more raw testosterone in this movie than a Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, and Rafael Palmeiro roid swab.

Fears: That the noticeable absence Steven Seagal and Van Damme could have made this even more of the ultimate guys guy movie. Although had they been included, I’m almost certain I would have fangasimed before I even made it to the snack counter.

Release Date: August 13th, 2010

#7 – Cop Out (Formerly A Couple of Dicks)

Watch the trailer

Director: Kevin Smith

Stars: Bruce Willis, Tracey Morgan, Kevin Pollak, Sean William Scott

Plot: A comedy about a veteran NYPD cop whose rare baseball card is stolen. Since it’s his only hope to pay for his daughter’s upcoming wedding, he recruits his partner to track down the thief, a memorabilia-obsessed gangster.

Why I’m excited: Tracey Morgan could stand on a street corner for 45 min drinking a coffee and observing people walk by and it would still be funnier than a 4 hr Dane Cook special. Plus, being a big Kevin Smith fan, I’m interested to see what he can do with this being the first movie he’s ever directed which he himself hasn’t written. I saw his 4th Evening With Kevin Smith at Roy Thompson Hall here in Toronto at the beginning of the month, and the stories he was telling about working with Bruce Willis and how the film turned out, sounds like it has potential to be this summers Hangover. 

Fears: None. Dude made Jersey Girl. Everything is a win after you make something that bad.

Release Date: February 26th, 2009

#6 – Inception

Watch the trailer

Director: Christopher Nolan

Stars: Leonardo DiCaprio, Ken Watanabe, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Ellen Page, Michael Caine.

Plot: In a world where entering dreams is possible, a single idea from the human mind can be the most dangerous weapon or the most valuable asset. (Whatever the hell that means.)

Why I’m excited: I don’t really know. There has been very little revealed about the plot of this movie and Nolan and staff have been kept very tight-lipped. I kind of get a Dark City vibe, in which case, if it is, that’s awesome because Dark City was a sweet Sci-Fi mind fuck.

Fears: I don’t know enough to be worried. I guess I could be worried about maybe having to pee a lot during the movie, or sitting next to a fat person who eats loud bags of Candy the whole time and is a mouth breather. Those are tangible fears.

Release Date: July 16th, 2010

#5 – The Rum Diary

Director: Bruce Robinson

Stars: Johnny Depp, Amber Heard, Giovanni Ribisi, Aaron Eckhart, Richard Jenkins.

Plot: Paul Kemp is a freelance journalist who finds himself at a critical turning point in his life while writing for a run-down newspaper in the Caribbean. Paul is challenged on many levels as he tries to carve out a more secure niche for himself amidst a group of lost souls all bent on self-destruction. Based on the novel by Depps close friend Hunter S. Thompson (Fear and Loathing) and his time spent as a journalist in the Caribbean.

Why I’m excited: I never really knew a lot about Hunter S. Thompson, he was a little before my time, but after watching the documentary Gonzo, anything done by him or based on his life, I will absolutely watch. The guy is completely nuts. But in that crazy Howard Hughes type of nuts brilliance.

Fears: none.

Release Date: 2010 TBA

#4 – Alice in Wonderland

Watch the trailer

Director: Tim Burton

Stars: Johnny Depp, Mia Wasikowska, Helena Bonham Carter, Crispin Glover, Anne Hathaway, Alan Rickman.

Why I’m excited: Tim Burton and Johnny Depp is usually always a winning combination and the source material is some of the most creative and unbelievable in literary history.

Fears: Burton isn’t following Lewis Carroll’s original story. This story takes place many years after Alice’s first trip down the rabbit hole and will be Burton’s interpretation. Which can either be awesome or horrifying. Alice wielding a sword and armor in a Lord of the Rings type battle scene has me a little concerned.

Release Date: March 5th, 2010

#3 – Arrested Development The Movie

Director: Ron Howard/Mitchell Hurwitz???

Stars: Michael Cera, Jason Bateman, Jeffery Tambor, Will Arnett, Portia de Rossi and the rest of the family.

Plot: Not released yet

Why I’m excited: While I would much rather have the show back on air than a made for TV movie, It’s Arrested Development, and much like last call on a slow night at the pub, I’ll take whatever I can get, and come back for seconds.

Fears: I’ll expect too much. They may not play ‘The Final Countdown’.

Release Date: 2010 Tentative but will probably be pushed back to 2011.

#2 – Iron Man II

Watch the trailer

Director: Jon Favreau

Stars: Robert Downey Jr. , Scarlet Johansson, Don Cheadle, Paul Bettany, Samuel L. Jackson, Sam Rockwell, Mickey Rourke, Gwyneth Paltrow, Leslie Bib

Plot: With the world now aware of his dual life as the armored superhero Iron Man, billionaire inventor Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) faces pressure from the government, the press, and the public to share his technology with the military. Unwilling to let go of his invention, Stark, along with Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow), and James “Rhodey” Rhodes (Don Cheadle) at his side, must forge new alliances — and confront powerful enemies.

Why I’m excited: It’s Iron Man, dude. And Scarlet Johansson is in tight black leather. Shwing! Plus, Iron Man II means we’re one step closer to Thor coming out, which means we’re one step closer to Captain America, which means after that we FINALLY get the greatest movie that will ever be made in the history of film: The Avengers. fap fap fap fap fap.

Fears: That it might be too awesome my comic book loving mind might have multiple nerdgasms.

#1 – Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows Part I

Watch the trailer

Director: David Yates

Stars: Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, Alan Rickman, Bonnie Wright, Ralph Fiennes, Rupert Grint

Plot: Voldemort’s power is growing stronger. He now has control over the Ministry of Magic and Hogwarts. Harry, Ron, and Hermione decide to finish Dumbledore’s work and find the rest of the Horcruxes to defeat the Dark Lord. But little hope remains for them, so everything they do must go as planned.

Why I’m excited: Hopefully Harry and the gang finally start throwing down some massive spells and wizard war breaks out.

Fears: That it will suck as much as the last one and Yates will continue to exclude vital and arguably the best parts of the books from the film, ex: massive fight at the end of the last one when Harry returns from getting the horcrux. Bahh who needs that, just show Helana Bonham Carter kicking some glasses in the great hall and they’ll get the picture.

Other films that didn’t make the list but deserve your attention:

Hot Tub Time Machine

The Last Air Bender

Tron Legacy

Kick Ass

#11. – Kanye West

Password: bestpasswordofalltime

#10. – R.Kelly

Password: pissonyou

#9. – Rick Astley

Password: nevergonnagiveyouup

#8. – Allen Iverson

Password: putaringonit

#7. – Dave Chappelle

Password: WTFisjuice?

#6. – Chuck Norris

Password: n/a

#5. – Paris Hilton

Password: 123456

#4. – Jerry Seinfeld

Password: what’sthedealwithpasswords

#3. – Rick James

Password: fuckyocouch

#2. – Stevie Wonder

Password:  ..:..:::.:….:.::…:….:::::..:..:..

#1. – Tyra Banks

Password: Forehead…(“ERROR! PASSWORD TOO BIG!”)

Other great passwords:

Al Gore: Ishouldhavewon
Gary Coleman: almost4’10
Ciara: WishIwasBeyonce
Rachel Uchitel: easiest1milever
Taylor Swift: thankyoukanye$$$$
Kelly Clarkson: nomnomnom
Tiger Woods: FML
Wayne Brady: amIgonnahavetoslapabitch?
Lady Gaga: tuckback

Slashdot It!

Despite there already being a prequel to the 1996 hit From Dusk till Dawn, this will be the prequel to the prequel. With 99.9% of the film taking place in between dawn and dusk, clearly there will be little vampire screen time in this one. Unless, Hollywood decided to go with the current and ultimately retarded “sparkling” vampires from Twilight. Fugitive bank robbers and brothers Seth (George Clooney) and Richie Gecko (Quentin Tarantino) reunite to bring this prequel to life. It follows them as they commit rape, murder, steal, and cause all out chaos that leads to them fleeing the F.B.I. and Texas police which is where the original starts. Celebrity cameos include Penelope Cruz, Matt Damon, and Woody Harrleson.

#10. – Inopportune number Snix

#9. – Apocalypse soon.

Not now….but soon. Trust me. Colonel Kurtz is crazy as bat-shit and is bound to lose it.

#8. – Smoldering bare backs

The edgy and twice as racist prequel to the hit comedy legend Blazing Saddles. Mel Brooks returns to write a modern take on the wild wild west. One part Blazing Saddles, one part Brokeback Mountain, it tells the tale of two Sheriffs – one black and one white, who fall in love while chasing a band of renegades across the plains. Hilariousness ensues.

#7. – Completely normal activity

The prequel to the 2009 surprise blockbuster Paranormal Activity, this groundbreaking film – shot entirely on 8mm film, follows the everyday life of Polish immigrants Minerva and Alfons Kowalski. The film takes place in their 1 bedroom basement apartment in New York during the 1940′s and captures edge of your seat suspense moments like Minerva making her ubiquitous lard-based spread known throughout the neighborhood as smalec. Alfons napping, Minerva knitting and the occasional domestic, the suspense just never ends.

#6. – The Undergraduate

Before Benjamin Braddock was seduced by Mrs. Robinson he was a freshman on campus who by some unforeseen error in student housing’s files is forced to live in an all girls dorm. Communal showers, bathrooms, and living quarters, poor Benjamin must endure long days in class and even longer nights partaking in underwear only pillow fights and extra curricular activities in the sheets with his female roommates. How will he ever make it to graduation day?

#5. – Miss Incompatibility

Prequel to the smash hit Miss Congeniality, what happens when you take a recently divorced, rejected by society for her homely looking butter-face, down on her luck,  single mother and put her in the country’s top beauty pageant? She kills herself. Seriously. Not to ruin the ending for you but she just can’t handle being surrounded by all the fake smiles, spray on tan, waxing, plucking, pressure to look good all the time, dieting and general lack of any intelligence or coherent thought from her fellow pageant girls.

#4. – Brunch at Macey’s

You’ll love this prequel to Breakfast at Tiffany’s. It’s not quite breakfast, it’s not quite lunch, but it comes with 20-50% off all women’s jeans, tops and dresses at the end. You don’t get completely what you would at Tiffany’s, but you get a good deal!

#3. – Some like it lukewarm

Two penurious musicians, Jeff and Johnny (Efron and Lambert), witness bullies in their high school beating up a younger student. When the bullies see them, the duo flee for their lives. They escape and decide to transfer to another school, only to find the bullies follow them. The two disguise themselves as women, calling themselves Josephine and Geraldine, join the glee club and both become enamored of “Cokie Kane” (Lohan), the band’s vocalist and school whore, and struggle for to determine which and how many STD’s she has while maintaining their disguises.

#2. – Engagement crashers

Before you get to the Superbowl you have to make it through the playoffs. No seriously, that’s how it works, I checked it out, it’s a true story. I thought teams got there by having arm wrestling competitions, proving who had more chest hair or whose franchise could afford the best wizard. I was way off.

#1. – Two Days Before the Day After Tomorrow

Turning the popular South Park adaptation into a feature film, Two Days Before the Day After Tomorrow will will take global warming to a whole new level. Coming this winter, a sweater won’t do.

Other notable unseen prequels:

To slightly wound an albatross

The mild concern of the Christ

1965 A Space Walk

The first house on the right

Dude, let’s park here.

The Vines of Irritability

There may be blood.

Slashdot It!

Everyone has their own personal quirks and freaky fetishes when it comes to getting down and dirty in the sac. Rim jobs, scratching, cupping the balls etc. But there are somethings that just have no business being done in the boudoir. Here are 11 common characteristics of bedfellows that repel an orgasm like oil to water.

11. The not without my cell phone girl

If you’ve ever tried to fab one off to the Paris Hilton’s sex tape then you know what I’m talking about. What kind of twat stops having sex to answer a phone? There’s only one excuse for having a cell phone in the bedroom and that is if you want to Mcgiver that bad boy into a makeshift vibrator. Nothing sinks an erect penis faster than hearing Barbi Girl by Aqua as some girls ringtone while your on top pumping away totally unaware of her boredom.

10. Miss Au Naturel 

It could be just me but I find it astounding that in this day and age every women doesn’t get electrolysis on everything below the nose, or at the very least wax. Body hair is like wearing a coat made from baby seals: Yeah it’ll probably keep parts of you warm and hidden but it looks disgusting and will piss off a lot of people. Get your shit in order girls this ain’t 1960. You could be drop dead gorgeous and if a guy is slowly going down your body, kissing and caressing his way to the most holy of holies, and he reaches your belly button only to be greeted by a stubbly undergrowth treasure trail, you might as well kick him in the sack because that boner is gone. If there is a hair situation above the belt then God only knows what kind of wilderness he’ll have to adventure his soldier through to reach those mystical meat curtains.

9. The fainting goat 

If you’ve ever slept with someone who just laid there and did nothing, said nothing and looked like a deer caught in headlights through the entire act of sex, then you’ve slept with a fainting goat. These type’s are named after a domestic breed of goat whose muscles freeze and tense up for extended periods of time when they’re startled. With the exception of necrophiliacs, a fainting goat is a lot like a dead corpse  and always kills the mood.

8. I can haz some privacy please?
 

Cat’s are selfish, arrogant, annoying little creatures. So naturally if your in bed laying pipe to their master they will do everything in their power to try and fuck with your head and get her attention away from you. And while girls may not find any problem with little Tigger or Snickers or whatever the hell girls name their fur balls these days, crawling up onto the bed while you’re having sex…the guy who’s on top of you probably does. Any guy who allows an animal to be anywhere near the bed while having sex, girls you should just automatically assume he has some kind of three-way beastiality notion going on and get the fuck out of there ASAP.

7. The Two-pump-chump
 

Nothing ruins the mood like having a guy bust a nut before you’ve barely gotten into the mood. With the exception of  being a virgin, there’s just no excuse for poor form. Every guy should know all the ways to extend premature ejaculation. Didn’t you watch Doc. Sue Johannson growing up? Flog the dolphin, choke the chicken or beat your dick like it owes you money before heading on a date or into the sac. There are pills, drugs, alcohol (whiskey dick is always good for numbing your sensitive member) Pump your breaks if you feel close, use a dome, or get on the bottom.

6. Miss four hour foreplay 

This is the type of girl who insists on extending foreplay well beyond the 5 min any man should spend doing it. By the time this girl is actually ready for sex, your tongue feels like it’s been shot with novocaine, your erection has long since receded and you wish you would have just stayed home and masturbated.

5. DJ Slow Jams 

I’m all for setting the mood, couple candles, pictures of myself flexing all over the bedroom, you know shit like that. But guys who spend time creating romantic playlists filled with sappy cockrock and emo bands are total mood killers. Every one of my friends who are girls have told me they’ve at one point or another had sex with some asshole who’s reached for the Dave Matthews playlist while they were in bed. Nothing makes a girl nostalgic for  gr. 9 dances like “Bed of roses”, anything by K.C. and Joe Joe or “Wicked Game” by Chris Isaac. Cockrock playlists are a lot like anal: She’s either really into it or she fucking hates it and will loose all respect for you. And nothing will dry up a vag faster than a chick who thinks you’re a pussy by trying to seduce her with love ballads.

4. It was a rhetorical question jack ass 

The purpose of dirty talk is to create fantasy and for the most part it’s intended to be rhetorical and one way communication. You get the odd, “Oh you like it like that don’t you?” and she may moan back “oh, yeah baby”. But dirty talk can be like playing board games with your friends: it’s all fun and games until some douche bag takes it too seriously. If a girl utters “How do you get me so horny?” you probably don’t need to reply with, “I don’t know, I’ve been practicing a lot on your best friend.”

3. The over attentive waiter 

Paying attention to your partners needs and enjoyment is great. But asking overly annoying questions and checking for updates faster than the CNN ticker gets to be a bit much. “How’s that? Does that feel good? Do you want to do it the other way? Am I pulling too hard? Is that enough pressure? Is it in?”

2. The guy who learned everything from porn 

As much as every guy would like to believe that what we see in porn is exactly what goes on in real life, its sadly just not true. With the exception of swamp-donkeys, hookers and drunk college freshmen girls (which I know all sound like the same thing)  the majority of stuff done to, or by girls in porn will never happen in your bedroom. But low and behold there are those men who when they sleep with a women, try to reenact Bang Bros 14 or Amature Creampies vol. 6. These guys refuses to know that: no, not every girl will go for anal, most girls actually find it offensive if you cum in their face, and when it comes to threesomes and DP’s, you might as well forget about. You will never see a mood killed so fast as asking the common women if she’ll deepthroat 8 inches and let you skull fuck her.

1. Mr. Vagina vision 

Vagina vision is a lot like tunnel vision. The blinders are on and this guy sees one thing and one thing only. Vagina. How and what is the fastest way for my to get my penis in, up and around that thing and skeet skeet skeet all over her? Foreplay… never herd of it? Guys always remember, vaginas are like a growing flower: When it finally starts to show and open up it’s beautiful, but it only happens after a little work and the right amount of moisture.

Stumble it!

So lets Start off the new year with a list of the hottest celebrity sisters. Why the hell not eh?

Poor celebrity siblings. They never get any love and are always over-shadowed by their hotter, talented and more often than not, sluttier famous sisters. Here’s a list of the top 11 hottest female celebrity siblings.
The ranking order of this list is based on 2 things:
Hotness compared to celeb sister and of course who would make the best menage (duhh).

11. Kylie and Dannii Minogue

Dannii is Kylie’s younger sister and  has dabbled in a couple of profession. She has been an occasional actress, TV Personality, and just like her older sister she tried her hand at being a pop singer. She had success in the early 90′s with a couple of albums as well as a return to the pop scene years later.

10.Beyonce and Solange Knowles

Solange is just like her sister Beyonce. Well, sorta. She became interested in music at a young age and broke onto the scene at the age of 16. She has released two studio albums.  And once again following her bigger sister, she has also gone into modeling, acting and started her own fashion line. I know what you’re thinking, this bitch is a damn mini-me of Beyonce. Well not so fast. Unlike Beyonce, this chick got married young, popped out a kid, and already has her first divorce under her belt. And she’s only 23 years old to boot.

9. Hilary and Haylie Duff

Hayle is the oldest Duff sister and lets be honest, with a sibling like Hilary anyone is going to look ugly next to her. Clearly the fact that I just watched War Inc; in which Hilary plays a smoking hot, dirty littke Russian hooker, has left a biased impression on me and that’s why this duo is questionably higher on this list.  Anyway, Hayle has done her best with what she has been given. She had a supporting role on 7th Heaven also snagged a couple supporting roles in Napoleoon Dynamite and Material Girls.

8. Emily and Zooey Deschanel

The Deschanel sisters have that sweet and innocent “girl next door” thing going for them and I kinda dig that. Emily is the older of the two and has landed roles in Cold Mountain, The Alamo and Spider-man 2. She’s probably best known  for her part in the television series Bones. [insert clever witty remark about wanting to jump their bones or the bone in my pants etc]

7. Britney and Jamie-Lynn Spears

What’s not to like about Jamie-Lynn Spears. She’s easy on the eye’s, loves to bang older guys and rides 4×4′s while pregnant.

6. Amy and Jenny McCarthy

Jenny isn’t the only McCarthy to appear in Playboy. Amy was Playboy’s Cybergirl of the Week September 2004 and Cybergirl of the Month January 2005. This girl appears almost too good. She’s gorgeous, Co-founder of Hinote’s Heroes which is a non-profit organization that helps make ill children feel more comfortable during their hospital stays and she also works with overwight children at a local St. Louis hospital. I assume she goes in there and says somethign like this: “put down the candy bars and get on a tread mill until you look as hot as me, and don’t be affraid to stick your finger down your throat a couple times a week.” And she’s also a puck bunny. Married to a a guy who plays for St. Louis Blues.

5. Kimberly and Ruby Stewart

Kimberly is an American socialite, fashion model and fashion designer and she is the daughter of rocker Rod Stewart. Kimberly’s family is like the damn Brady bunch. She has an older half brother from her mom’s marriage to George Hamilton. She has a full brother, and four younger half siblings from her father’s Marriages. With parent’s this promiscuous I’m gonna go out on a limb and say it doesn’t take more than 2 shots of tequila and a smile to get her in bed.

4. Ashley and Jessica Simpson

Blond, tanned, big boobs and dumb as bricks. What’s not to love about the Simpson sisters?

3. Bia and Branca Feres

If you haven’t already, meet the Brazilian synchronized swimming twins Bia and Branca Feres. Chances are you’ve never herd of them but you should. They were on the cover of VIP magazine and made a big splash in this years Olympic under the category of “really hot athletes we should watch at this year’s Olympics”. Not a lot is known about them, yet, other than they’re both over the age of 18 (most likely 19 or 20) – breathe easy petophiles. And yes it’s a shame that the majority of the time they spent on TV during the Olympics was below the water, you’ll be happy to know that there is an abundance of modeling pics and blogs floating around the internet of both of them. (here, here, here, and this beauty here.)

2. Cynthia and Brittany Daniel

Sweeeeeeet Valley, Sweet valley hhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. For all you 90′s teens you will definately remember Cynthia and her twin sister Brittany. Cynthia is 5 min younger than Brittany and as of late, has given up her acting career to become a professional photographer. She has 2 kids with her husband and actor Cole Hauser.

1. Monica and Penelope Cruz

Arrrrrrrriba! Latino Heat. Monica Cruz Sanchez and her sister Penelope grew up in the predominantly working-class suburb of Alcobendas, just north of Madrid. Their family didn’t have much money but it didn’t stop the talented sisters from going on to fame and stardom. The Cruz sisters distinguished themselves as promising dancers and both recieved professional instruction, {enelope at Spain’s National Conservatory and Monica enrolled in The Royal Academy of Dance to study traditional ballet and flamenco.  In 2002 she followed Monica’s play and became an actress.

Other notable siblings:

Savannah and Sienna Miller

Casey and Audrina Patridge

Dedee and Michelle Pfeiffer 

Lee-Ann and Elisha Cuthbert

Lynda and Jennifer Lopez

Ann Carolin and Claudia Schiffer

Nicole and Antonia Kidman

Tracy and Shannon Tweed

Cheers.

I’m sure this was a real stretch of a role for Lohan. Dressing like a ho and dancing around at bars. I bet it took her months of preparation to get into the mind frame of a stripper.

10. Daryl Hannah – Dancing at the Blue Iguana (2001)

If I ever got a chance to sleep with Daryl Hannah, the first thing I’d do is reach for a brown paper bag to cover that fug face. “Buzz your girlfriend…woooouuufff.” But there’s no denying the fact that at age 78, or however the hell old she is, she has a pretty fantastic set of abs. Cocain, cigarettes and vicodin will do that.

9. Natalie Portman – Closer (2oo4)

There’s nothing sweeter than seeing a sweet little Jewish girl, who speaks 3 languages and has a Harvard degree playing a dirty stripper. Mazal tov Natalie.

8. Diane Lane – The Big Town (1987)

Diane Lane, like a fine wine, only gets better with age. How I would love to see her perform this role now.

7. Tonie Perensky – Varsity Blues (1999)

Everyone’s favorite teacher/stripper and Sarah Palin look-a-like, Perensky has done little with her career as of late and why should she? Leave on a high note I say.

6. Selma Hayek – From Dusk Till Dawn (1996)

5. Jamie Lee Curtis – True Lies (1994)

4. Elizabeth Berkley – Showgirls (1995)

WATCH HERE

Oh Jesse Spanno. What can I say?

3. Jessica Alba – Sin City (2005)

Yes, yes, yes and more yes.

2. Demi Moore – Striptease (1996)

WATCH THE BOOBIES SCENE HERE

Demi Moore, like Diane Lane, continues to get hotter as she ages. And by hotter I mean gets more work done on her than my 87′ Chevette.

1. Chris Farley – Saturday Night Live

Mmmmmmm. Swazye. Mmmmmm belly flab.

OTHER NOTABLE PERFORMANCES
Rose McGowan – Grindhouse (2007)
The Full Monty Men (1997)
Danny DeVito – Friends (2004)
Marissa Tomei – The Wrestler (2008)

All the child sweatshops in poverty-stricken nations mumbo jumbo aside, you have to admit that Nike makes some pretty bad ass commercials. For over twenty years Nike has looked upon Portland agency Weiden+Kennedy  as their primary. During that time they have continually created some of the most memorable and inspiring commercials on television.

11. I FEEL PRETTY

This commercial has everything you need for a classic. A catchy tune that is sure to get stuck in the viewers minds. 2 – A hot little Russian blond tennis phenom. And Johnny Mac.

10. OPPOSITES

Two of the greatest tennis players to ever hold a racket and as this commercial so beautifully illustrates, other than their abilities on the court they shared very little else in common. Pepsi has Coke. Gretzky had Lemieux. And Sampras had Agassi.
A great take on an updated version of this commercial is one that someone over at The Parlayer came up with:

9. ROLE MODEL

A classic ad that eloquently communicates an important message to parents and young people who idolize and hold professional athletes on a pedastill.

8. EVOLUTION

No music. No words. Just a clever and interesting journey through the evolution of the Nike Air shoe.

7. TIGER BOUNCING BALL

This might not seem like anything incredible, most golfers who spent a good amount of time on the green can more or less do something like this. But when this came out it was awesome. Nike exploited Tigers skills and abilities in a very entertaining and creative way. Rumor has it this commercial only took 2 takes. Tiger did this on the first take but no one gave him a time cue and he ended up going over the time limit. That’s sick.

6. FAILURE

Clearly if Nike can convince the greatest Basketball player who ever lived that he is a failure then what chance do we have in not being persuaded to buy their shoes.

5. LET YOUR GAME SPEAK

Back to back Jordan ads. It’s incredible to think that all of this was accomplished by one man. For those who don’t understand the reference of this ad, it’s essentially a compilation of Michael Jordan’s greatest moves, accomplishments and highlight reel material reenacted by normal athletes imitating him.

4. DO ANYTHING

Time for a little Nike humor. This ad is brilliant. Such a simplistic and creative idea that was brilliantly written. “The Texas Tickeler”. The beauty of this ad is that it’s not a stretch of the imagination to see Randy Johnson as a Bowler. Reminds me of Bill Murray in Kingpin. All he needs is the greasy comb-over.

3. AIRPORT

Awesome. Amazing display of skill and ability in this one.

2. PRE LIVES

“PHHMMMMMM…(tears up and bites knuckle) THAT’S MY BOY!
A great inspirational and moving piece done for an amazing athlete who was taken to soon, Steve Prefontaine. If you don’t know who he is click the link and educate yourself.

1. A LITTLE LESS HURT

Absolutely incredible commercial. Every single time I watch this I get a shiver that shoots up my spine. Beautifully edited and never has music been so perfectly matched with video. I don’t know if it’s because I’m a JC fan or that I’m an athlete but I doubt my bias will make any of you disagree with my choice for #1?

Any athelte who sees this will get the same shiver I do becaue they know how much work, dedication and sacrifice they must endure to do what they love. Beyond the glory there are times of diversity, struggle and moments where the limits of the human body are constantly flerted with.

Stumble It!

This was without a doubt the biggest pain in the ass post I’ve ever done. F*cking NBC and their damn lawyers have taken almost everything off youtube and Hulu has the absolutely uber gayest region restrictions.
So I did my best in providing video, you’ll have to jump for a couple of them.

11. Andy popping into frame

10. Roy Rules!

WATCH HERE

9. Dear sister

8. Lazer Cats 2

7. People getting punched

Best part is the Jovi Punch with Full recovery. Love it.

6. Iran so far

WATCH HERE (look for video player on the right side after the jump)

5. Business Meeting

WATCH HERE

The Sandwhich makes this skit.

4. Lazy Sunday

WATCH HERE

3. Andy’s Dad

WATCH HERE

2. Jizz in my pants

In my opinion I think this skit could be as funny if not funnier than the #1 skit, but since the #1 has had enormous success and popularity I threw it in a #2

1. Dick in a box

It’s the holiday season and in the season of things I decided to construct a list of the top 11 funniest and memorable holiday moments from television.

11. The appearance of Santas Little Helper – The Simpsons

A pivital moment for the Simpson family and an important character that would lead to many many hilarious episodes.

10. Deb drops the Turkey – Everybody Loves Raymond

Ray points: “Dropped the turkey.”

9. Yankee Swap – The Office Xmas special SEo2

8. The best Chrismukka ever – The O.C. SE01 E13

With twice the power of any holiday Seth Cohan creates one of the most memorable super holidays in television history.

7. The Greatest Action Story ever told – Mad TV

6. The one with the Holiday Armadillo – Friends SE07 E10

Just brillian. It’s not in the clip but the best part of this scene is when Joey comes through the door in a Superman costume. “THE MACCABEES!”

5. Schweddy Balls – SNL

One of the most memorable SNL skits and Baldwins top 5 for sure.

4. Mr. Hanky the Holiday Poo – South Park

3.Clark Griswold’s boss rant – National Lampoons Christmas Vacation

Technically it’s not a television show but I figure it’s shown on TV every holiday so that counts.
“Hallalujah, HOLY SHIT. Where’s the Tylenol?”

2.Dick in a box – SNL Digital Short

1. Festivus – Seinfeld

Without a doubt the absolute best moment in holiday television history is Frank Costanzas creation of Festivus.
The Feats of Strength, the airing of grievances and the Festivus Pole makes Festivus a holiday that I almost want to participate in every year.